learning from the past

a couple of days ago i was thumbing through my angieinpink-archives trying to find a missing photo for a project i was working on.

i re-visited this post.

and this post.

and this post.

and this post.

and this post.

[among others.]

it was kinda tender to look back & remember my days.

they were [really] really happy & fulfilled ones.

{and still are.}

but something physical also struck me as i was revisting [a few] of those web-blogs.

in addition to all the warm & fuzzies of just genuinely loving my sweet little family,

my shoulders became kinda/out-of-control tense.

[read: angie being stressed out = painfully tense shoulders.]

i remembered how seriously stressed out i was on those particular days/months.

so many things on my plate; so little time.

too many people to please; too many self-induced “obligations.”

not enough hours in the day =’ed no sleep for me.

trying my very darndest to stay motivated, faithful & on task.

feeling like i [always] fell short.

i put [way] too much pressure on myself to be “perfect,” or whatever.

***

and now, many months & mini-breakdowns later, i have made a really happy realization:

while [i fully recognize] i am still one of the most off-the-charts high-strung individuals in north america…

i {believe} i am making a little progress.

i think i’m learning little-by-little:

to let go.

and sometimes that means my child’s hair & breakfast options look like this:

and sometimes that means my toes are slightly/embarrassingly white trash:

and sometimes that means my house isn’t on craigslist yet, because we are [still] painting our guts out:

and sometimes that means i’m a week late with important work duties/deadlines despite my VERY best intentions:

and sometimes that means my poor gmail-inbox/friends/family getting ignored:

and sometimes that means i take a “personal day” every-so-oft & play with my girlfriends chloe & DVR all day long:

and sometimes that means being a day [or days] late & a dollar short, even though i [really really really] didn’t want to be:

and lottsa times it just means i hafta cry a little, throw it up to the lord & hope he’ll make it right.

***

i guess i’m just discovering day-by-day [and am still hard-core learning] that having an enriched life doesn’t necessarily mean having full-n-amazing journaled scrapbooks, absolutely-no dirty laundry, an updated blog, saying yes to every job-opportunity, going to eighteen different targets to make sure you have the best matchy-option, creating every project idea that i see & admire, preparing 5 course menus & meals for my peeps daily [pwa-hahahaha], doing what “i think” will please every stinkin’ person ever invented, [etc, etc, etc.]

i think we all hafta kinda find a balance that is comfortable & do-able for our own capabilities, bodies, circumstances, families & nerve-capacities. [and mine’s nothin’ close to the things mentioned in the latter paragraph….no matter how hard i try.]

***

do i still want a semi-clean house at all times?

yes.

do i desperately strive to magnify my calling as wife & mother?

uh-huh.

do i really wish i was less of a flake?

absolutely.

and lets get real: do i need to slap some frappin’ paint on my toenails?

for the love: most definitely.

but i am perpetually learning [and it’s going to be a long process] that all the extra-curricular crap doesn’t really matter.

***

my BEST days are the days that look like this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

life is short.

[and sore shoulders are highly overrated.]