TMI on my birthday

Every year as I inch toward birthday time I build a list of lessons I’ve learned throughout the last year of my life. I’ve shared a few of those lists on my blog. It’s rewarding & fun to reflect.

This year- on the 27^th anniversary of my birth, I am not going to make a list of 27 things I learned. I’m just going to share one major lesson I learned this year. One life-changing lesson.

Being 26 wasn’t {exactly} a walk in the park for me. *More like a legit hold-on-for-dear-life emotional rollercoaster. And though this story is deep & crazy-personal, I rank it worthy of sharing to benefit my own healing & also for those who share similar struggles- for those who might question their worth or place in this world.

I often feel a bit vulnerable when I blog about things of a TMI nature, or when I share my testimony about sacred things. Sometimes I’ll even write long posts & keep them as drafts for myself. I try to listen to my heart before I bare my soul to cyberspace. But today my heart says {click publish}.

It’s no mystery to those that know me that I am a relatively happy person. I generally smile. I want life to be easy for others. I believe in compliments, laughing, joking, sarcasm, and I’d wink if I knew how. I enjoy searching for the miniature joys in the little things of life. I see the glass almost full to the brim. I believe happiness is a choice. I am super cheesy & delight in the beauty of a rainbow & the smell of flowers {gardenias especially.} Things as mundane as exact change and full toilet paper rolls make my day.

Well, deep inside that happy person that everyone knows…has lived a very confused, misunderstood, insecure, lost, scared little girl. She’s lived there for many, many years. During this last year I became well acquainted with her. She started taking over….{stealing all the joy.}

I knew in my mind I had a kazzilion things to be grateful for. I knew in my mind that i was, in many ways, living the life i had always dreamed. I grew up with loving parents who gifted me a blessed, happy childhood. I lived in a country free of oppression. I married great guy who honored and loved me. I had two beautiful babies. No major tragedies had touched my world. I had the gospel….knowledge of who I was, and where I was going. I knew in my mind I had all of that! I felt horrible for feeling sorry for myself when there are people in this world who knew real pain, real fear and trial. I felt so ashamed & guilty for being sad and angry when I had so very much to be thankful for!

For some reason though, completely untouchable from the help of my mortal loved ones, I have always had a part of me that believed I didn’t measure up. It didn’t matter what anyone said, any amount of love that was shown or any compliment that was paid to me. I didn’t believe it. I never felt as good, worthy, or enough. My mind literally reeled daily with snippets of my life….times at which I had fallen short, embarrassed myself, failed, spelled something wrong, showed up late to an appointment, been treated unkind, treated someone else unkind, felt humiliated, etc. I didn’t hate the real me, I just hated that I couldn’t be everything I expected of me.

Sparing you the nitty-gritty, I will just say that this led me on a path of people pleasing city. I was pulling all nighters, trying to do everything, not being able to do everything and then beating myself up for it. There was an obsession with being perfect. An obsession with how others viewed me. I compared myself to other people in the most unfair way. In many areas of my life I simply gave up because it was too hurtful to not be able to be 100% perfect at it. I started hating my body and continued abusing it with overeating. Outside relationships became difficult, and my anxiety level was off the charts & affecting my day-to-day function. I would slap on some marykay lipstick and a smile when I needed to. But times were dark and hard. I would blog about the obvious, wonderful, happy things around me to *try* to keep myself positive, while my inner soul was aching. My husband & a few aware family members would help and pray for me. But it was all inside of me. Stuff I needed to deal with. I felt trapped in my cycles and completely self absorbed. *You get the picture.

The {really} good news is, I had a turning point. One day in December {2009} I just wanted to be free of all of those feelings and emotion. I wanted more than ever before to stop the drama & just live my life peacefully.

I sought help from someone who I rank earthly-angel status in my life, who has taught me a lesson I pray I will never forget. She’s taught me many lessons, but the main of which being, that The Savior is very personally the ultimate source of freedom from mess. In fact, He’s the master mess cleaner upper. I have known that ever since baptism, but obviously had a hard time {really} applying it to me. {Really} believing that the atonement applied to me, Angie Dunn, a twenty-somethin' mom who lives in Mesa, Arizona. {Really} believing that it was possible to let go of that girl who didn’t believe she was good enough.

Well. It’s possible. Because I am letting go. I have let go. I will continue to let go. I have stopped defining myself as “that girl with the low self esteem.” I have stopped trying to be that un-attainable "perfection" & have started striving to just listen more closely to what Heavenly Father thinks the priority is. He is much kinder, less demanding & more forgiving than I have ever been to myself.

It's been by & through The Atonement of Jesus Christ that such has been do-able. I have felt his hands scoop away pain. I have felt his empathy as I have expressed my insecurities through prayer. In some areas of my life He has helped me facilitate change, while in other areas He has just inspired acceptance. I have felt more inner-joy lately than I ever thought possible. And I have Him as a momentary resource when any battle I face in the future should freak me out.

It hasn’t been an easy process. Repenting, forgiving, letting go, changing…it’s all hard. It doesn’t come all at once. It’s hard! At some points it’s felt, especially in my relationships, that it gets worse before it gets better. Though not easy, the process is simple. For me, it started with a million every-hour-I-need-thee type of prayers. I learned that I was scared of repentance for fear that I would fail again, and then I had a light bulb moment that taught me: The Savior’s atonement is ever-reachable to that discouragement too. In fact: I discovered that truthfully, He could handle, clean up, understand, empathize, and relate to every embarrassing, uncomfortable, seemingly-insignificant detail of my life that was threatening my happiness.

Through the spirit I have received answers. I learned that feeling the spirit doesn’t necessarily mean having a grand epiphany on the pew at church. It can be manifested through the sun shining in a happy way, a tiny feeling that everything’s going to be okay, a creative idea to resolve a difficult situation, an enlightening thought, the urgency to read a certain article or scripture for guidance, the unexpected kindness of a stranger/family member, or a pressing feeling that something is true. Through those things I started discovering true joy again.

So today, on my birthday, what I do have for sure, is bigger than any gift I have ever received: the {experienced} knowledge that Jesus Christ heals and restores. He is real and available to all of us. And I know this because he has eased my burdens and lightened my load this past year more than anyone will ever know. I don’t feel like a different person….I feel like the authentic me.

I welcome my late 20’s, 30’s and beyond. I feel alive again. With this experience I feel better equipped to face any difficult trials that will inevitably cross my path in the coming years. I am full of gratitude. I know Jesus is real with all the conviction of my heart. And I candidly share this raw slice of my journey here, to publicly acknowledge his hand in my life & remind anyone who is questioning….He is there for you too. ♥