over time, since forever, i have struggled [hardcore] with body image issues.
at certain points in my life, i have let my obsession with food & weight completely destroy my happiness.
that might qualify me as legit crazy.
but it's the truth.
when chloe was a babe, i started a separate blog [angieinshape] about it.
i've poured out my soul on both blogs about my pitfalls & discouragements related to health.
i've been on all kinds of diets, things even as ridiculous as the infamous kelly kapoor cleanse.
i've shared my breakthroughs & lessons.
it's never been about the number on the scale.
i was just as secretly miserable at 85 pounds as i was at my heaviest.
it's always been about the inside.
i try to always be as open as possible...and share the real side of me.
sometimes i painfully regret being so honest about the real side of me.
but when i come to center & strip myself of pride, i am always grateful for posting it all.
i believe in sharing.
i believe that we go through trials & hard times so that we can learn compassion & help others.
my eating disorders & image issues have made me a better person.
i am grateful to a heavenly father who has allowed me the opportunity to grow through it all.
the experiences that i have had have taught me who i truly am & who i am striving to become.
it used to be a mystery to me, why i battle with these inner demons, though.
i grew up always feeling safe & loved...with parents who never, ever put pressure on me to look or be a certain way.
they always showed love & concern when i expressed discontentment with myself.
after sincerely praying about this, i have come to believe that these tendencies of mine are no one's fault.
it's simply the adversary's most effective temptation that he uses to paralyze my spirit.
he is often successful in his attempts.
he strives to make me feel bad about myself enough, so i abuse myself physically & emotionally.
thus, preventing me from living my truth.
and even though i continue to struggle, i know that i always have a choice whether i want to overcome, or give into discouragement & defeat.
i know that i can do all things through christ who strentheneth me.
it is my greatest desire to be able to healthfully have another baby [someday] & be a healthy example to my family. i want to start taking better care of myself, so that i can more fully take care of others. i want to let my whole self shine.
this week, it has become very real & apparent to me, that is it is beyond due-time to live my truth.
my truth is this:
health does not mean being tiny & ripped & physically beautiful.
health to me is: striving, one bite at a time, for balance & moderation in all things.
health to me is: taking care of my body in the best way that is possible for me & my season.
health to me is: living a life of virtue and integrity.
health to me is: being kind & forgiving to myself and others.
health to me is: being physically active and present in my own life.
health to me is: finding beauty in others' eyes & hearts & spirits.
health to me is: throwing away all unneeded emotional baggage.
health to me is: living a lifestyle that will afford me the energy & stamina to serve my god.
health to me is: striving for perfection, but NOT to be perfect.
health to me is: selflessness, hope, and wisdom in all things.
today i'm setting a goal.
not a crazy workout regimen or a strict diet plan,
but just a promise to myself to more fully live my truth.
and i know that if i live in and ask in humility, god will bless me with the light i need to guide me through it all.