7.04.2011

and help me to be wise.....



The older & older I get, the less & less I care about fluff. I want depth. I want real-ness. I want truth. I want honesty. I want to know where I stand. I don’t want facades, games or drama-I want to be a real, genuine, straight-up, take-it-or-leave-it, this is me, type of person.

I love and admire authentic people who show their true selves and don’t apologize for it. And what I’ve realized, is that oftentimes- that means, I love people who are completely different from me. I have come to discover that what I respect most in an individual, isn’t how “cool” or seemingly amazing they are, but instead, how genuine they are. I admire people who are confident with themselves & their values enough, that they don’t feel the need to tear others down to feel better. I look up to people who can tackle problems honestly & maturely. I respect people who have no room for snobbery or judgment because they are humble enough to know that we all have issues and shortcomings.

I strive to live this quality, but “being real” has always been something that I have really struggled with. I can be real to the point where I share my deepest self, but then I lack the confidence to face the consequences of that vulnerability.

I know who I am, and I enjoy being randomly unique, but at the same time-I fear others’ judgment daily. I fear not being accepted. And most of all, I fear that I am being a bad example or letting others down, when I make mistakes & am not perfect.

And there you have it- A few short paragraphs that sum up my greatest heartache.

It is a heartache to me because a large part of me knows my truth. Part of me is deeply, spiritually aware of who I am, my potential and mission on this earth, and the perspective to get me through hard things….but there is another part of me that will do anything to please other people & keep peace, even if it means degrading that truth. And when I don’t listen to my truth, it hurts & causes me to be a less-than charitable/real person- to the point where I let jealousy, hurt feelings & fear of not being liked, destroy me.

I’m sure I sound legit crazy right now, but the point of this post is to help myself, and perhaps some other random soul out there have clarity with it all. My thoughts might seem slightly neurotic to some, but sharing is what heals me. It helps me to grow and become truer & truer to that part of me that knows what’s real.

What I pray for daily is wisdom. I pray for the strength & ability to listen to the voice inside of me that is wise & knows all the right answers. All the right answers for me. Not the right answers for my neighbor. Or my best friend. Or my uncle. Or his dog. But the right answers for me. It is a voice that we all have inside of us. A voice that teaches honesty in it’s truest form. A voice that inspires goodness and realness and forgiving behavior.

It’s taken me almost 30 years, but I think I’m finally learning from that voice: that being real, doesn’t mean being perfect. It’s been a hard battle for me….finding that realness…..the person in me that is charitable and kind, but also has self-respect and boundaries with others. Finding that happy medium between honesty & rude. And having the maturity to accept that I cannot change anyones’ feelings or perceptions but my own.

Wisdom is a blessing that I know I will receive if I seek it. It comes straight from my God, whom I recognize as the source of everything that is good. A God who loves me & allows me to go through hard things & feel these emotions, so that I can learn to love & have compassion for others...and depending upon my faithfulness, receive everlasting joy.

12 comments:

heather said...

Woman, I think I've told you before, but let me tell you again: I love you.

Kristen said...

I'm pretty sure everyone who knows you loves you. You are kind, generous, talented and oh so beautiful. Honestly.

reddladybug said...

I love your honesty, girl!

I once heard 3 questions one should ask themself before saying something...take it for what it's worth...
Is is true?
Is it kind?
Is it {necessary}?

Kristi said...

I'm feeling exactly the same way. Maybe our unstoppable maturing is preparing us for yet another personality shift. New realizations bringing out change. Thank goodness for progression (and forgiveness).

granny said...

You said that beautifully. Letting go of what we feel is holding us back is oh so hard, but oh so good. Here's to keeping up the fight!

Billie said...

Just the fact that you can share so openly and be honest in your judgements of your self is great! Most people would say, "I'm not fake..." and pretend that they aren't. But you are willing to be vunerable and honest with yourself. That is beautiful!

Bev said...

You rock!

anniebobannie said...

Again, We are totally Twins!!! I couldn't have said any of this better myself. I love you!

Mark Dixon said...

You, my dear girl, are wise beyond your years. Thanks for sharing. You are wonderful.

Jenny Meyerson said...

Authenticity and vulnerability are two of the greatest character strengths read about in any leadership book today. This life is too short to be a people pleaser. Be you. Be you. Just be you. This is something I repeat to myself often. It's not an easy road to travel but one worth traveling. You are well loved and admired for just being you.

scrapmom4 said...

You are wise beyond your almost 30 years. Honestly.

Ali said...

Such a great post! I love reading your blog and always close my browser feeling more edified. Thank you!