The older & older I get, the less & less I care about fluff. I want depth. I want real-ness. I want truth. I want honesty. I want to know where I stand. I don’t want facades, games or drama-I want to be a real, genuine, straight-up, take-it-or-leave-it, this is me, type of person.
I love and admire authentic people who show their true selves and don’t apologize for it. And what I’ve realized, is that oftentimes- that means, I love people who are completely different from me. I have come to discover that what I respect most in an individual, isn’t how “cool” or seemingly amazing they are, but instead, how genuine they are. I admire people who are confident with themselves & their values enough, that they don’t feel the need to tear others down to feel better. I look up to people who can tackle problems honestly & maturely. I respect people who have no room for snobbery or judgment because they are humble enough to know that we all have issues and shortcomings.
I strive to live this quality, but “being real” has always been something that I have really struggled with. I can be real to the point where I share my deepest self, but then I lack the confidence to face the consequences of that vulnerability.
I know who I am, and I enjoy being randomly unique, but at the same time-I fear others’ judgment daily. I fear not being accepted. And most of all, I fear that I am being a bad example or letting others down, when I make mistakes & am not perfect.
And there you have it- A few short paragraphs that sum up my greatest heartache.
It is a heartache to me because a large part of me knows my truth. Part of me is deeply, spiritually aware of who I am, my potential and mission on this earth, and the perspective to get me through hard things….but there is another part of me that will do anything to please other people & keep peace, even if it means degrading that truth. And when I don’t listen to my truth, it hurts & causes me to be a less-than charitable/real person- to the point where I let jealousy, hurt feelings & fear of not being liked, destroy me.
I’m sure I sound legit crazy right now, but the point of this post is to help myself, and perhaps some other random soul out there have clarity with it all. My thoughts might seem slightly neurotic to some, but sharing is what heals me. It helps me to grow and become truer & truer to that part of me that knows what’s real.
What I pray for daily is wisdom. I pray for the strength & ability to listen to the voice inside of me that is wise & knows all the right answers. All the right answers for me. Not the right answers for my neighbor. Or my best friend. Or my uncle. Or his dog. But the right answers for me. It is a voice that we all have inside of us. A voice that teaches honesty in it’s truest form. A voice that inspires goodness and realness and forgiving behavior.
It’s taken me almost 30 years, but I think I’m finally learning from that voice: that being real, doesn’t mean being perfect. It’s been a hard battle for me….finding that realness…..the person in me that is charitable and kind, but also has self-respect and boundaries with others. Finding that happy medium between honesty & rude. And having the maturity to accept that I cannot change anyones’ feelings or perceptions but my own.
Wisdom is a blessing that I know I will receive if I seek it. It comes straight from my God, whom I recognize as the source of everything that is good. A God who loves me & allows me to go through hard things & feel these emotions, so that I can learn to love & have compassion for others...and depending upon my faithfulness, receive everlasting joy.